More From Power Over to Power With: The Shift That Heals

“Power over” creates a requirement to always have a winner and a loser. This fosters meanness and incivility--after all no one likes to be a loser, and if you are, then the struggles for appropriate power take on a different hue.

Think about the grading system of A-F. When a student makes an “F,” they have nowhere left to go. What’s the point of trying? They have proven they are a failure or can’t do the work. Think of the ammunition this gives bullies.

The person who makes the A is the smartest (or maybe just the best test-taker). They garner more attention, praise, and positive recognition. They are more desirable as a student and implicitly as a person. They are given more power by others, while the student who makes an F may see loss of opportunities.

I remember the day that I realized I could take responsibility for something even if I knew someone else was responsible. Even if I knew--there’s a big one. So if I choose to take responsibility for something not mine, is it because I need to be a hero? To confound people who might not want me present? To have power? Or is it an act of pure choice--no judgment, just I can, so I will. I think it sort of blew some people away because they were used to my taking things very personally.

The moment I stepped off winning and losing, to simply “now” or “not yet” as a marking system in my own head? That was the day I realized I could take responsibility for someone else’s error. I could give where there was no expectation of giving, and I could let love flow through me freely. No clogs. No stoppages. Just the free flowing stream of love.

That’s when the challenge of the raw graceful power of “we” shows up most clearly, in these moments where we see literally a third way. Our greatest hope is in looking for the third way and seeking alternate ideas when we are making choices, to regain that curiosity we hopefully had at some point as children. That curiosity helps us see around corners, find more than the chaos and darkness, and see light at every moment. That's power.

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